A lot of times you’ll go out and you’ll see someone with a bag or a shirt that says, “It’s OK to not be OK. “I really like those shirts and I think that they’re great and I could understand how some people would maybe see them and say “What the hell does that even mean?” or “Hey why don’t you go F&$@ yourself!?” And I feel those are pretty reasonable responses to these types of T-shirts.
Is This Half Baked?
I would say that maybe they deserve another phrase or sentence, That would be: It’s OK to not be OK as long as you say, you’re sorry if you flip your top and lose your marbles. That’s what we call not being in control of your emotions. That’s what children do… Period, but, shoot I did that this morning and I’m 43 years old. I yelled at my kids because I got emotionally involved and I felt overwhelmed and I just lashed out and yelled. I lost my shit and I yelled at my adorable 4-year-old and 8-year-old.
Me the supposed “calm” dad. The same dad who promised after he started working out and meditating that he would never yell again. We celebrated that moment, my children and I. We jumped up and down in joy that I was committing to making the promise of not yelling again… but that promise is completely empty if this story ended when I lost control of my emotions, flipped my lid, and yelled at my children.
The Story Did Not End There, Nor Should it Ever
You better be damn sure that not 30 minutes later, I said I was sorry, I gave my kids a hug and I took a deep breath, then we made up and everything was cool. We were back to normal, talking about cheese-heads and joking about stuffed foxes eating flowers.
If I hadn’t admitted that I was wrong, then my children would still be in a state of shock, they would be unhappy. As Gabor Maté MD, instructs us, the moment a child does not feel safe in coming to speak with us, we are building a separation from them, and they are living in a state of trauma.
When I child has been yelled at they feel like they are not living up to whatever they are meant to be. When we: yell at them, or ignore them so we can look at our phone, when we insist that they eat a food they dislike. When we force them to do something that we want them to do (when it really doesn’t matter either way or safety is not an issue…) When we control them just because it feels better to be in control, we are lowering their self-worth. We are smothering their creativity.
We are taking away from their confidence that they are good enough. This is not a victimless crime; this will come back to haunt them. This will return as an addiction or a compulsory action they will not like later in their life. They will find a way to fill the void we created when we communicated that, “They are not good enough.”
Just Say The Words, Say Them Soon
The sooner I said, “I’m sorry that I yelled” the sooner we could start to recover from the disorientation and the painful ping of craziness from Daddy having a momentary inability to control his emotions. It doesn’t matter that you lost your shit as long as you pause (like stop everything) and say you’re sorry. It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card…
…but if you really mean it, and then explain where you are and why you lost control then you have a moment of humility and generate yourself a second chance. It still matters that you let your emotions get the best of you, but if you own it, then you can start building emotional credit again.
Conclusion
If you FAIIL to acknowledge the moment that “You were NOT OK”, then you start building a rift. The moment you don’t own that “You were NOT OK” then it is no longer “OK to not be OK.”
Special thanks to Kyle Stockman for being a good accountability partner, for keeping me thinking, for calling me a guru that one time, and for giving me the idea of adding a hook to my featured image. Let’s get some sushi soon, Kyle… like tomorrow.
Thanks for reading!
David Kolmer is an Instructional Designer who holds a Bachelor’s degree in Theater and a Master of Science in Instructional Design and Educational Technology. Sometimes he shaves his beard and other times he does not. Usually he does not yell at his children and other times he does yell at them, but when he does you better be damn sure he owns that shit and says he is sorry.
Improvement Dave 